MARCH 22 — Scrolling through my social media, seeing my friends sending their kids to boarding schools, I had two thoughts: One, when did we get old enough for this? And two, should I brace myself for an endless stream of dad jokes about hostel food and lights-out mischief?
Jokes aside, I can’t help but reflect on my own experience.
Whenever I bump into old schoolmates, our conversations inevitably drift towards shared memories. “Remember those late-night study sessions? The freezing showers? The letters to overseas pen pals that never got replies?”
We laugh, but there’s an unspoken weight in our voices — a recognition of how those years shaped us.
For many who attended boarding schools, the experience is worn as a badge of resilience.
“It made me tough,” some say. “It prepared me for the real world.” But beneath this narrative of strength lies something more complex — a lingering emotional blueprint that continues to influence our adult lives in ways we don’t always recognise.
What is boarding school syndrome?
The term Boarding School Syndrome was coined by psychotherapist Joy Schaverien to describe a pattern of psychological effects observed in adults who spent their formative years in boarding institutions.
The symptoms? Emotional detachment, difficulty with intimacy, and a lifelong tendency to suppress vulnerability.
The logic is straightforward. When a child is separated from home at an early age, they learn to cope by shutting down emotions.
Tears are mocked, homesickness is seen as weakness, and self-reliance becomes a survival mechanism.
Over time, this conditioning becomes ingrained, shaping their personality and influencing everything from relationships and parenting styles to leadership behaviours.
The mixed legacy of boarding schools
One of the most visible effects of boarding school socialisation is the drive for independence.
Former boarders often excel in careers that reward resilience — finance, law, the military, and politics. They learn to compartmentalise emotions and function under pressure.
Boarding schools also foster valuable social skills. Many former students can strike up conversations with strangers effortlessly, navigate group dynamics with ease, and adapt quickly to new environments.
The ability to live in shared spaces, adjust to different cultures, and handle unpredictability makes them resourceful in both professional and social settings.
Yet, despite their social adaptability, some former boarders feel like they never truly belong anywhere — always fitting in but never feeling at home.
Others unconsciously recreate the strict, hierarchical environments they grew up in, perpetuating patterns of authority and emotional detachment in their personal and professional lives.
Making peace with the past
Moving forward requires acknowledging both the strengths and challenges of boarding school experience.
While it fosters independence and resilience, it’s equally important to address the emotional gaps that may linger well into adulthood.
In Malaysia, where boarding schools are often seen as a pathway to academic and career success, it’s crucial to also recognise the emotional and social lessons they impart.
This isn’t about assigning blame but about understanding how these formative years have shaped who we are today.
For many former boarders, healing takes various forms. Some reconnect with old friends, finding solace in shared memories.
Others engage in mentorship, helping current students navigate the challenges they once faced. Some advocate for more supportive boarding school environments, ensuring future generations experience a more balanced and holistic upbringing.
Students are seen at the UiTM campus in Shah Alam, Selangor on May 16, 2024. — Picture by Yusof Mat Isa
A different future for the next generation
Boarding schools aren’t inherently damaging, but their approach could evolve to better cater to students’ emotional and psychological well-being.
In Malaysia, where many boarding schools are public institutions with a strong academic focus, there’s growing recognition of the need to balance discipline with holistic development.
Schools are beginning to integrate better pastoral care, mentorship programs, and emotional support systems.
The goal is to ensure that students not only excel academically but also grow into well-rounded individuals capable of forming meaningful connections, managing stress effectively, and transitioning into adulthood with confidence.
Perhaps the most significant shift should be in how we define success in our boarding school system. It’s not just about producing disciplined, high-achieving students but also about nurturing individuals who are emotionally intelligent, resilient, and capable of leading fulfilling lives.
Schools and alumni networks can play a pivotal role in fostering emotional intelligence and lifelong well-being.
As the Malay proverb goes, “melentur buluh biarlah dari rebungnya” — to shape a bamboo, start when it is a shoot.
The foundations of emotional resilience and personal growth are laid early, and it’s our collective responsibility to ensure that those who walk through the gates of a boarding school walk out stronger, wiser, and more whole.
* Dr Mohd Zaidi Md Zabri is an Interim Director at the Centre of Excellence for Research and Innovation in Islamic Economics (i-RISE), ISRA Institute, INCEIF University.
** This is the personal opinion of the writers or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of Malay Mail.
